Maybe not..?
apocalypticon
So I'll just type it all out for my sake and anyone who's listening...

So the typical pattern is like this: super shitty break-up, a retreat to my inner darkness to heal, swearing off relationships. A kind of emotional armor grows over me like coral. I live my life sort of unaware of this fact until I realize that I can't feel emotions anymore. And then comes the battle of leaving it on versus prying it all off.

So I can be pretty emotionally guarded, even if there's a young lady involved. Things had been going well, and I thought we sort of accidentally stumbled into a territory beyond friendship. OK, so specifics: hung out by ourselves five times and three times with some of her friends. Went from the simple smooch on the cheek to a quick kiss on the lips. Now the cheek smooching isn't exclusive for me, but the kiss on the lips? I don't just do that with anyone. Oh, wait, specifics? OK, fine...

So we passed the "long hug" threshold, which to be honest weirded ME out, as I wasn't expecting it (I'm pretty sure that, towards the end I felt my arms slacken a bit, and I thought "OK, this isn't totally my doing"). That was the same night as the first peck on the cheek (although she leaned into it a bit so, hmmm...). The next time was more comfortable, but I was still guarded a bit. The NEXT time... we had a fun evening and when I dropped her off, I thought to myself "OK, just open the fuck up for once and REALLY give into the moment", and I did. Amazing. And as we disengaged, for a half-second I thought "OK, so do I still kiss her on the cheek, or do I..." and then, barely aware of it happening, we kissed. To this very second I don't believe it was all my doing, unless I was possessed. I was immediately... not nervous, but something akin to overwhelmed? Giddy to the point of not being able to form sentences? Probably. But I did kiss her again as I exited the door just to show her that I wasn't weird about that having happened.

I think a week went by before we hung out again, and I wondered the whole time if that was now normal behavior, or if we'd prematurely crossed a line, and I'd have to wait for... I don't know, special occasions or something? But then after we hung out I just gave into instinct and gave her a kiss anyway, which turned out totally fine.

I don't deliberately steer things into romantic territory. I'd argue that I really don't know how. I have this alien concept that a healthy relationship is based upon a solid friendship, and those sort of things take time. So all of that, plus the almost daily FB chatting, seemed to be an indicator that things were developing nicely... and then NOTHING. Back-story: she's deleted her FB page as a knee-jerk reaction to creepy stalker dudes and negative postings, but usually she reactivates it the next day. She deleted her profile I think around Tuesday 3/4/14. As of right now, it is still deactivated. We had tentative plans Thur 3/6/14, and I sent her a text around 3pm, I called her around 6:30, and finally sent her a simple text asking "Everything OK?" around 9. Nothing.

Now, on top of analyzing the ever-living fuck out of everything from every angle I can fathom, I've also talked to a few friends about this, and they concur with my theory: It really has nothing to do with me. Well... one friend said that maybe she realized that she's comfortable with me romantically, and it kind of freaked her out (she's told me that things don't work if she rushes into them). Other than that, it's something else. I wonder if something happened to her or someone she knows. And while it worries me a bit, I think hanging back for a while is the best thing to do...

.......?
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Is LJ still a thing anymore? In the land of Facebook and Twitter and who-the-fuck-knows-what-else, where things are pretty much public for the most part, is this still a safe haven? Does anyone still care..?

dark places
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people's actions sometimes confuse me. can it be that i'm just a pessimist, or are people that fickle? I'm hoping it's the former...

job hunting is as much fun as shooting myself in the foot. and with no current income... yeah, not fun at all.

okcupid isn't *quite* as creepy as i thought it'd be, but it's damn close. after scrolling through "matches" for x amount of time, i just feel weird. like, has it really come to this? is this how we've evolved as a species? oh, and girls from china, japan, and russia have visited my profile. weird....

cryptic, much?
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oh hi, lj. it's been a while. how have you been? me? i feel as if someone cast a spell on me last saturday. oh, no, it's not a bad spell, really...

motivation
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i've been thinking about getting into capoeira (which i actually spelled right on the first try amazingly), to the point where i've started some of the beginning stretches and practicing the ginga. i need/like to get in better shape, and i've always had an interest in some of the more bizarre/interesting forms of martial arts (i considered studying mantis style kung fu, but it's not something i can afford. ESPECIALLY right now). the other reason i'm thinking of pursuing it is this:

i don't find exercise fun. its not an easy thing to say because it makes me sound like a lazy asshole, but it's true. i'm sure there's some concept or element i'm just not grasping that is making me thing it's boring as hell. and a lot of things that i am pursuing (like everything art-related) take up a lot of time. so while i know more exercise will better me physically, my mind is more easily convinced i should work on stuff to better my career.

which isn't to say i'm quitting. i'm just taking a break from drawing (appropriately enough) to bitch for a minute....

this is what happens when i'm not tired and fairly bored as hell....
apocalypticon
i'll start out by saying i don't miss work at all. not even in the slightest. i'm not sure if i even miss the very concept or work, as i've been incredibly busy lately. perhaps, ironically, more busy than i was when working. off the top of my head, here's the tally:

- i'm working on a video game with a good friend. i'm a bit squeamish about getting into details over the internet (i've told people in person about it, and at least that way if someone talks i can always track them down and kill them). it's more or less an upgrade of the atari classic tank game "combat", only with more people and weapons. i've handled all the artwork, and let's just say we're not talking about normal tanks. not even in the slightest. the game will be available in the "independent games" section of xbox live, and MAYBE the pc? i'm not sure about that. we scoped out the "top games" in the indie section, and i'm pretty confident we'll blow them away. the game isn't done yet and it's still fun to play.

- i've been commissioned to do some artwork for a couple of friends of mine. at least, one is a go. not a hell of a lot of money, but it'll be a pretty quick piece.

- working on another project with a friend from high school. that alone is strange and surreal. he's starting some company around this, and i guess i'm part of it? i have mixed feelings about that, as that's the ultimate plan with the first project i mentioned, which i told him about. i guess he's cool with everything. i get some fancy corporate title, like "graphics overlord" or "senior art demigod". okay, i may be exaggerating a little...

- i've been wanting to work with video for a while as well as getting back into writing ambient/soundscape stuff. i figured i'd combine it and try to release some multi-media side-project. i have about six short videos i've been working on in this program called AVS Editor. the downside is that i have to shell out something like $40 a year for a membership. with the video effects, it may be worth it. we'll see....

those are the main things, really. i got a piece into a gallery in boston (opening is april 30), and there are always story/novel ideas kicking around my head...


on a completely unrelated note, i have a SLIGHT interest in someone. madness. but really, i mean SLIGHT. i'm not an optimist when it comes to the chaos that is relationships. from what i've seen people only get crazier as time progresses. but hell, we'll see what happens....

the end of 8 mediocre years....
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i have trouble posting on this thing, for reasons i continuously don't understand. it's probably that i don't want to spent the time. anyway....

so i got laid-off wed. unexpected, but then again the owner bought a SECOND house, on the cape, no less, and is having trouble paying for it (surprise, surprise). so i guess i'm expendable. it's insulting and infuriating, but really i've wanted out for a while, and this will only light a fire under my ass.

the whole moth of feb was difficult for me for reasons i'm just barely beginning to understand. but i think with this happening will prove to be a good opportunity to reinvent my life.

connectivity
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there's a concept that i've been pondering, and i found myself musing over it now so i suppose i will attempt to put words to it....

i think something that is often overlooked or under-appreciated or misinterpreted is precisely how different we all are. how i came to thinking about this is a little complicated - it started with a series of events shortly after my birthday (including, truth be told, a few gratefully very short panic attacks. i'm fine, really - just parts of my subconscious wreaking a little havoc). shortly thereafter, and this sounds a bit silly, but i began to view things in what i referred to as "hyper-reality" (which i assume is what most "normal" people experience). ok, this is a bit complicated and hard to understand, but it deals with a lot i learned in the philosophy class i took in college, mainly dealing with the school of skepticism and david hume in particular.

to make a long story short, i've decided that if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, it DOES make a sound, and that david hume and his school of thought was full of shit. it deals with what i call "intersecting perception" and the fact that reality is.....well, real (david hume and the school of skepticism, if you've never heard of them, basically believed that there was no such thing as "reality", and that it was impossible to prove its existence).

but it's more than that....

i've been thinking of relationships, and how everything, to me at least, is chaos. no one seems happy for long, everything seems to end quickly, no one really seems to want to stick things out. i've witnessed friends of mine go through relationships in what i think is record time (for our age, at least). and i wonder why....

do we all strive to find that "perfect" mate? are we convinced that there's someone out there that is 100% compatible? do we have checklists that we assume someone will conform to?

there's something i'm beginning to grasp - and i don't know why it's taken me so long. it's the beauty of the individual. it's the fact that you can take a roomful of people with that same or similar interests, and they will all look at the very same things differently. it's the fact that we are all, in our own unique ways, fighting the same battles.

if you are in a relationship now, the next time you and your S.O. gets into an argument, try to take a moment to reflect that they, like you, are just trying to figure shit out. that they and you and everyone else is just constantly adapting to the chaos that is life, and that we all, literally, will have different answers.

(i'm not saying people can't be dickheads - that's entirely possible too.)

i admit that i am by nature a rather solitary creature, and that i take pride (and to be honest, it's at times a rather misguided pride) in the fact that i choose to fight my battles alone. i'm not implying that's a good thing. on the contrary, i think it may be a bad thing, and i think that at times that when i feel pulled under by some tide, i need to remember that the current touches us all, and that everyone i know - and everyone else i don't know - is lost in the same dark ocean at times. and maybe when we are able to breach and pull air into our lungs, we should attempt to help as many people as we can reach the surface so that they may too breath and feel safe....

ok, i'm done being a hippie. ;)

When Something Sort of Looks Like Something......But Not Really....
apocalypticon
so i'm taking 2 classes for credit right now to FINALLY complete my long over-do bachelor's degree. class #1 is oriental brush painting (you've seen my progress on facebook). the other class is "working toward abstraction", which i think should be titled "do some abstract art RIGHT NOW", because that's pretty much how it's been since the first class. now, i appreciate the openness and freedom of basically doing whatever we want, but the thing is this:

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABSTRACT ART.

AT.
ALL.

hell, i used to HATE abstract art with a fiery passion. i fully believed that abstract art was produced by people who REALLY wanted to be artists but couldn't draw anything even remotely realistically. dare i say people who din't possess any true talent.

harsh, yes, but that's the way i used to feel. i've mellowed out since then, and have even seen some abstract pieces that i thought were kind of cool. but still, then whole mentality behind it is alien to me.

i took this class to challenge myself and to be forced to break away from what i normally do. let's just say that i succeeded in at least one of those. the breaking away part? yeah, maybe not so much....

so we worked from a model tonight (if you're anything like me, you'd be snickering right now. i even joked about it last week, saying, "so....you want me to draw an arm....that doesn't look like an arm?"). i had an extremely difficult time NOT portraying accurate anatomy. the professor kept saying to us "just do something you wouldn't normally do. don't be afraid to do something 'wrong'", but i can't just reprogram my brain. i like the final drawing i completed, and while it's vaguely abstract (emphasis on "vaguely"), it's still very "me"...

i will, however, say that i think....i *THINK* i'm starting to grasp abstract art a little better....

the trouble with lyrics....
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i'd like to write lyrics for an up-coming show, but the problem is that i'm not even quite sure what i want to say, and how to say it. do i hammer people's psyches? do i write something dark and eloquent? do i utilize dark humor found in b-rated horror movies?

maybe ideally i should incorporate all of those traits. but then no matter the direction, there's always the writing part. i'm good at writing prose. it makes sense, it's fluid, and i'm pretty good at it. lyrics/poetry on the other hand have always been difficult. it's hard to set the tempo, to know where to break the lines, and whether or not the damn thing should rhyme.

2 weeks! which isn't that bad, but i still have to finish the music.....

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